You touched me, in my sleep I let it be known my pain and my mistake.
Questions followed, I couldn't bear to answer. I was ashamed.
I heard an anger in your voice that never touched my ears before.
You left the room, I shivered at the sound of the door closing behind you.
Listening to you moving around out there.
I sat there wanting you to come back to me.
I needed to feel your arms around me and to make me feel better.
Instead I watched you come back, get dressed and walk back out.
Then came the most dreadful sound.
The front door closing behind you.
I needed you and you left.
I couldn't blame you, though the pain vibrated through me.
That loud bang ringing through the silence in the house woke me up.
Sitting there alone, in the darkness. With complete silence around me.
I wept and wept. Never has the feeling of being alone been so heavy.
In my sorrow and pain a new beginning opened to me.
Through the suffering I saw the truth and what needed to be done.
I dried my tears, laid back down and thought.
I knew there was nothing I could do.
If I had made you want to leave the damage would already be done.
If you decided to come back to me, I would never again make you need to leave.
I finally realized what I needed and a weight lifted from my shoulders.
Sleep that had been evading me in my troubles soon overtook.
Why do I have to be this way?
I hate who I am.
I feel like I am falling apart from the inside.
I am simply hollow.
I know he makes me happy and I feel it.
I really love him and don't want to lose him.
But there is something inside making my world go dark.
Angry at things I can not let go.
Hurt by the things from the past.
He is the best thing I have ever had.
I fear I am going to ruin it.
Yet every night I have the same horrible thoughts.
I feel distant and empty.
Trying to bring forth the joy he gives me but unable to.
I want to hurt myself again.
Put that blade to my skin and control the pain.
I fight to keep it at bay, to not show it.
Though I know I am read like a children's book.
I feel it tearing me up inside and can not stop it.
I do not want to think like this anymore.
I want to love him, as he does me.
Simple, no hurting, no fear.
I know though he is strong and kind,
He will not be able to handle this forever.
I know I can not, why would I expect him to?
I am begging, praying for someone to help.
Someone to fix me.
Help me fight my inner demons.
A horrible place the world was to me.
Dark and menacing.
A place I dreaded waking to every day.
Seeing only sadness and misery ahead.
I was lost and alone in hell.
One day I came upon a man.
With a smile that lit up the room.
A laugh I found contagious.
Spreading pleasant feelings with just a few words.
My heart was mesmerized.
Then I found myslef being drawn to him.
When we exchanged words I felt relief.
A break from my daily hell.
I tried resisting becoming close to no avail.
This was my escape.
Suddenly Hell became worse, I Iost it all.
Everything I had ever wanted was gone.
With no way to get it back.
Thoughts of him became only memories.
My hope for ever being his evaporated.
That small time of happiness stayed in my thoughts.
My heart would not let me forget.
I knew what needed to be done.
I found my way to him.
When my eyes laid upon his all the darkness left.
I soon found I could not leave his side again.
My heart would fight being convinced otherwise.
Now I see the light and feel the love everyday.
The pain, darkness and misery are but memories.
All is as it should be, this is my life.
