If I had the doll of my choice,
She would look like you.
The you I dislike to no end.
It would be an ugly doll.
I'd take a needle and pin it,
In that hole your heart belongs.
Tape would cover the mouth.
Keep the nasty words in.
A thump in the head should suffice,
Give you a headache.
Show you what a pain you've been to me.
How you've made my head hurt.
I'd take the stuffing out of the head,
In hopes you would forget him.
Put a spell on you,
Make you as miserable as you make others.
Oh be thankful I do not have that doll,
You would suffer as you made me.
I'd be as mean to you,
As you have been to me.
You touched me, in my sleep I let it be known my pain and my mistake.
Questions followed, I couldn't bear to answer. I was ashamed.
I heard an anger in your voice that never touched my ears before.
You left the room, I shivered at the sound of the door closing behind you.
Listening to you moving around out there.
I sat there wanting you to come back to me.
I needed to feel your arms around me and to make me feel better.
Instead I watched you come back, get dressed and walk back out.
Then came the most dreadful sound.
The front door closing behind you.
I needed you and you left.
I couldn't blame you, though the pain vibrated through me.
That loud bang ringing through the silence in the house woke me up.
Sitting there alone, in the darkness. With complete silence around me.
I wept and wept. Never has the feeling of being alone been so heavy.
In my sorrow and pain a new beginning opened to me.
Through the suffering I saw the truth and what needed to be done.
I dried my tears, laid back down and thought.
I knew there was nothing I could do.
If I had made you want to leave the damage would already be done.
If you decided to come back to me, I would never again make you need to leave.
I finally realized what I needed and a weight lifted from my shoulders.
Sleep that had been evading me in my troubles soon overtook.
Why do I have to be this way?
I hate who I am.
I feel like I am falling apart from the inside.
I am simply hollow.
I know he makes me happy and I feel it.
I really love him and don't want to lose him.
But there is something inside making my world go dark.
Angry at things I can not let go.
Hurt by the things from the past.
He is the best thing I have ever had.
I fear I am going to ruin it.
Yet every night I have the same horrible thoughts.
I feel distant and empty.
Trying to bring forth the joy he gives me but unable to.
I want to hurt myself again.
Put that blade to my skin and control the pain.
I fight to keep it at bay, to not show it.
Though I know I am read like a children's book.
I feel it tearing me up inside and can not stop it.
I do not want to think like this anymore.
I want to love him, as he does me.
Simple, no hurting, no fear.
I know though he is strong and kind,
He will not be able to handle this forever.
I know I can not, why would I expect him to?
I am begging, praying for someone to help.
Someone to fix me.
Help me fight my inner demons.
A horrible place the world was to me.
Dark and menacing.
A place I dreaded waking to every day.
Seeing only sadness and misery ahead.
I was lost and alone in hell.
One day I came upon a man.
With a smile that lit up the room.
A laugh I found contagious.
Spreading pleasant feelings with just a few words.
My heart was mesmerized.
Then I found myslef being drawn to him.
When we exchanged words I felt relief.
A break from my daily hell.
I tried resisting becoming close to no avail.
This was my escape.
Suddenly Hell became worse, I Iost it all.
Everything I had ever wanted was gone.
With no way to get it back.
Thoughts of him became only memories.
My hope for ever being his evaporated.
That small time of happiness stayed in my thoughts.
My heart would not let me forget.
I knew what needed to be done.
I found my way to him.
When my eyes laid upon his all the darkness left.
I soon found I could not leave his side again.
My heart would fight being convinced otherwise.
Now I see the light and feel the love everyday.
The pain, darkness and misery are but memories.
All is as it should be, this is my life.
I promise you, that this will not be easy.
I have problems I can not always explain.
Crying happens at the simplest of things.
Sometimes I will cry for hours or periodically all day.
I will not always be able to say why I am crying,
Cause I will not always know why.
I promise you, sometimes you will think I am crazy.
There will be times you may want to simply walk away.
My anger comes fast and hard.
The simplest things can trigger memories and I will get angry.
I will be silent or I will want to yell.
Things are nearly always thrown and I will hit a few walls.
I promise you, no one else will love you like I do.
If you stay by my side, you won't regret it.
I love with everything I have, all of my heart.
I will keep a smile and laugh all the time.
There isn't anything I will not do for the one I love.
I will show you silently and tell you often.
I promise you.
Writer's block.
To look at a blank page and feel completely overwhelmed.
Better yet to have a ton of ideas and not knowing how to begin them.
Can you imagine not being able to do what your meant to?
Try going to work and not being able to do what your supposed to do.
A call agent who can't remember how to work a phone or computer.
A broadway star forgetting how to read music.
A football player not knowing how to do the plays.
No one truly understands how frustrating writer's block can be.
This is me, what I am meant to do.
It's expected of me to keep a stream of poems going.
What do I do when I can't write?
What happens when it lasts for days?
I'm a writer, there is no calling out sick.
No vacation time, no lack of supplies.
I simply have no excuse.
I have to work.
I have to write.
I am a writer who just fixed her writer's block.
